Technology

 A threesome comprised of an American, a German and a Japanese guy are golfing and, at the 3rd hole, they hear a phone ring. The American excuses himself, puts his left thumb to his ear, his left pinky finger to his mouth, and proceeds to have a telephone conversation. When he is done, he looks at the other two and says, "Oh, this is the latest American technology in cellular phones. I have a chip in my thumb and one in my pinky and the antenna is in my hat. Great stuff eh?" They continue golfing until the 9th hole when, again, they hear a phone ring. The German tilts his head to one side and proceeds to have a conversation with someone in German. When he finishes, he explains to the other two that he has the latest in German technology cell phones. "A chip in my tooth, a chip in my ear and the antenna is inserted in my spine. Ah, the wonders of German superior know-how!" At the 13th hole, a phone rings again and upon hearing it, the Japanese fellow disappears into some nearby bushes. The German and the American look at each- other and then walk over and peer into the bushes. In the middle of the bushes is the Japanese fellow, squatting with his pants down around his ankles, with a roll of toilet paper shoved up his behind. "What on earth are you doing?" asks the American. The Japanese fellow looks up and replies "Waiting for a fax."

Computers & Women

The top six reasons computers must be feminine: 6. As soon as you have one, a better one is just around the corner. 5. No one but the creator understands the internal logic. 4. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference. 3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. 2. The message "Bad Command or File Name" is about as informative as "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you". AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON COMPUTERS ARE FEMALE: 1. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half of your paycheck on accessories for it.

Smart Pakistani

Through the center of Lahore there's the new Indo-Pak train speeding along
(Samjhauta Express ).

In one compartment of the train there are four people. A beautiful vivacious young
woman, an old woman, an Indian soldier, and a Pakistani ,Suddenly the train goes
through a tunnel.

        It is completely dark. Then is heard a loud kiss and an equally powerful slap. When the train exits the tunnel, the Indian soldier is holding the side of  his face, and Pakistani is grinning his face off. The old matronly woman thinks : "Now that's a
fine young woman, the Indian soldier tries to steal a kiss in the tunnel and the lady
slaps him one!"

The young woman is thinking : "Now that's a strange Indian soldier, he'd rather kiss that old hag than me."
The Indian soldier is thinking : "Now that's a smart Paki, he steals the kiss and I get
slapped."
And Pakistani is thinking : "Gee I'm smart! We go through the tunnel, I kiss the back of my hand and get away with slapping an Indian soldier."

Nawaz & Vajpayee

    This was in 1998 during Nawaz and Vajpayee.

Once when Nawaz went to india on a state visit , Vajpayee showed him the state of the art telephone system of India. Nawaz even made a call to hell and spoke to Gen Zia  for about 10 minutes. The bill came to just 1 Indian rupee. Nawaz was highly impressed by Indian telephone system and after coming back to Pakistan ordered the
ministry of communications to come up with equally good system in record time so that he too can show it to Vajpayee when he makes a return visit to Pakistan after a couple of months.

Indeed when Vajpayee came to Pakistan ,Nawaz  showed him the telephone system.
Vajpayee spoke to Nehru in hell for about 10 minutes. The bill came to 300 Pakistani rupees.
Vajpayee made a sarcastic remark about the cost of the call to hell being so expensive .
Nawaz was furious and wanted to know why the call to hell was so expensive. The engineers immediately came up with the reason.

A call to hell from Pakistan is a long distance call, but from India its a local call only.

Horse

          Salma came up behind her husband while he was enjoying his
          morning tea and slapped him on the back of the head. "I  found a
          piece of paper in your pant pocket with the name 'Zarina' written
          on it," she said, furious. "You had better have an explanation."

          "Calm down, honey," the man replied. "Remember last week when I
          was at the horse track? That was the name of the horse I bet on."
 

          The next morning, she snuck up on him and smacked him again.

          "What was that for?" he complained.

          "Your horse called last night."

Pilot Training 

During the 1971 Indo-Pak war, the Paki Air Marshall Yahya Khan was trying to train a novice Paki pilot. He took the novice to the fighter plane and said

"Do you see this red button?"
'Yes sir' replied the novice'
'Ok' Said Yahya, 'to start the engine, you have to press it.'
'Now do you see this green button?'
'Yes sir' replied the novice.
 'Pressing the green button makes the plane fly'
 'Ok sir' said the novice
 'but how do I bring the plane down?'
 Pat came the reply
'Don't worry, the Indian air force will take care of that!'

Indian Tourist in Islamabad

         An Indian tourist after a long walk in one of very fancy clean
          streets of Islamabad found himself needing a bathroom badly.
          After a long search he could not find any, and eventually
          couldn't control and chose a silent corner of a clean street to
          release himself. Once he had just started, a police official
          approached him, "Hey, What do you think you're doing here?"

          Indian: sorry I have to "P". "No PP here okay? Follow me..",the
          Police officer took him to a beautiful garden nearby with lots of
          grass, flowers and singing birds around...."PP here..have a nice
          day", the police said.

          Indian: Oh sir..that is very nice of you, is this Pakistani
          courtesy?
          Police: No... this is Indian Embassy !!

Pak Cricket Team

After the shameful defeat of PAK cricket team in the world cup final, the team members were not able to show their faces to people and they chose not to go in public and rather just pack up in hotel rooms.

Shoaib, the fast bowler, could not resist for too long to be in UK and still not be able to go out shopping and have fun. So he disguises himself as a Sardaar and goes out. 

He meets a woman at the exit of the hotel who greets him "Hi Shoaib!"
 
Surprised for having been caught he comes back and makes         himself up as a Muslim woman - in Burkha etc and goes out.

Yet again - the same woman greets him "Hi Shoaib!".

Shoib comes back determined to give it yet another try with the
make up of a Hippie wig and shorts etc. All in vain - the same lady catches him again and greets him "Hi Shoaib".
 
Bewildered by now, he cannot help asking, "How do you manage to
 recognize me each time?" and comes the answer,
"shhh...stupid...I'm Waseem"!!!

Dog or Wife

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in.

A letter

Dear Dad, $school i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Love, Your $on

The Reply Dear Son, I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh. Love, Dad

Thinking of Children

               
    THE FOLLOWING ARE ALL QUOTES FROM 11-15 YEAR OLD'S:
 
       * "Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is
          pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."

       * "When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you
       expire."

       * "H20 is hot water, and CO2 is cold water."

       * "Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and
       caterpillars."

       * "Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on
          them and makes them perspire."

       * "Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they
          look like umbrellas."

       * "The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax and
          the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the
          borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity
          contains the bowels, of which there are five - a, e, i, o and u."
 

       * "Rhubarb: a kind of celery gone bloodshot."

       * "Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives."

       * "For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and
          down to make Artificial Perspiration."

       * "The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana."

       * "The tides are a fight between the Earth and Moon. All water
          tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon,
          and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in
          this fight."

       * "Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through
       Africa."

       * "Germinate: To become a naturalized German."

       * "To keep milk from turning sour: keep it in the cow."

Would you remarry?

Dear, said the wife. What would you do if I died?
   Why, dear, I would be extremely upset, said the husband. Why do you
   ask such a question?
   Would you remarry? persevered the wife.
   No, of course not, dear said the husband.
   Don’t you like being married? said the wife.
   Of course I do, dear he said.
   Then why wouldn’t you remarry?
   Alright, said the husband, I’d remarry.
   You would? said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.
   Yes said the husband.
   Would you sleep with her in our bed? said the wife after a long pause.
   Well yes, I suppose I would. replied the husband.
   I see, said the wife indignantly. and would you let her wear my old clothes?
   I suppose, if she wanted to said the husband.
   Really, said the wife icily. And would you take down the pictures
   of me and replace them with pictures of her?
   Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do.
   Is that so? said the wife, leaping to her feet. And I suppose you’d
   let her play with my golf clubs, too.
   Of course not, dear, said the husband. She’s left-handed.

Old woman's dentures

Police handle case with bite NORTH PLATTE, Nebraska (AP) --

 Police in North Platte, Nebraska, have a case with bite. They were called to the home of a 55-year-old woman who dropped her false teeth in the toilet, after she had been partying and drinking with her boyfriend. The toilet backed up and the boyfriend called a plumber. The plumber charged $50 to retrieve the dentures, which the boyfriend paid. But the boyfriend refused to give the teeth to woman until he was paid back. That's where the cops come in. The woman called police, saying she didn't have the money and couldn't eat without her teeth. Police say they sat the two down and had the pair work out deal. She signed an IOU and he gave back the choppers.

The first bitch

    Bill and Hillary are at the first baseball game of the season. The
    umpire walks up to the VIP section and yells something, and suddenly
    Clinton grabs Hillary by the collar and throws her over the side and
    onto the field. The stunned umpire shouted, "No, Mr. President! I said,
    'Throw the first PITCH!'"

Heaven Entry Test

A doctor, a garbage truck driver, and a lawyer die and go to Heaven. When they reach the Pearly Gates, St. Peter tells them that they will each have to answer one question correctly to enter into the Divine Kingdom. The doctor is chosen to be asked first. St. Peter thinks, "Hmmm...a Doctor would be a nice addition to Heaven." So, he asks the doctor, "What was the name of the ship that hit an iceberg and sank into the sea?" The doctor replies, "That's easy. Titanic." St. Peter allows him to enter into Heaven for correctly answering the question. He next turns to the garbage truck driver. He thinks, "Well, he could belong in Heaven, but we don't really need him." So, he asks, "How many people drowned?" The garbage truck driver replies, "That's simple. 2,212." St. Peter says, "That's right!" He then turns to the lawyer, and says, "Name them."

Fat Free Fries

I stopped at a fast food restaurant recently. I was fascinated by a sign which offered fat free french fries. I decided to give them a try. I was dismayed when the clerk pulled a basket of fries from the fryer which were dripping with fat. He filled a bag with these fries and put them in my order. "Just a minute!" I said. 'Those aren't fat free." "Yes, they are. We only charge for the potatoes. . . . The fat is free!" 

Wedding

 Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple. The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why's the groom wearing black?" 

Drinking Water

 A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn't been feeling well. The doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills. The doctor says, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed,take the red pill with another big glass of water." Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers, "Jeez doc, exactly what's my problem?" Doctor says, "You're not drinking enough water."

Golf game

A man goes golfing with his friend, Harry. He arrives home several hours late.

His wife asks,"What took you so long?"

He replies,"Oh, Ethel, it was an horrible afternoon! On the third hole, Harry had a heart attack and
died on the spot!"

Ethel says,"Oh, darling! It must have been awful for you!"

The husband replies, "It was hell! Fifteen holes of 'hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry...'"